Mando

Going seems so easy

Except for when you’re there.

To be content with where I am here,

Is to never meander off

To get off

To blow it out

To consume it

And never be illuminated.

It is all a frustrating cycle

Fighting my eyes for sleep,

Too deep when the need is great

Breaking myself wasn’t the answer I deemed

What the hell am I dreaming of?

I used to know the feeling.

Peeled away from needing

Did I defeat myself?

Did I bludgeon the benign?

Am I blind to innocence because I can only look behind?

Does time wane that of a wasted kind?

I pray and hope one day my smile can be one less bittersweet.

I know a happy day will be when I feel no defeat

When I teach him how to love someone and how to feel complete

Those feelings stop me tossing,

when harrowing memories cloud my sleep.

I have too many questions I don’t want answered.

My Plan Keeps Coming Up Again

The change I am trying to make happen for the process of growth is Doing Rather Than Saying, And Knowing When I Am Saying When I’m Not Doing Or Doing When I’m Not Saying (Or Saying Not).

This is harder said than done.
Taking notice of this is quite exhausting.

Being human comes with making errors.

Noticing those errors not just when someone else points them out, but when you are at bat with yourself, helps you realize how retarded you really are.

It’s one thing to not steal or curse or cheat, and follow through with those things because you’ve told yourself enough times that you don’t do that. It’s a whole new ball game when you realize yourself doing things or saying things you dislike or “disagree” with.

There are two types that typically do this, I myself, have been in both categories.

The first is The Ignorant Child

The ignorant child has a tendency to judge and form opinions based on parental advice, peer gossip, lack of experience or just the popular vote.  These people often say “I have never done such a thing! and I would never do such a thing!”

They will soon learn the errors of their ways, but their innocence and purity is commendable!

The second is The Corrupt Lifesucker

This person is merely tainted, which there is nothing wrong with. It comes along with living in a nasty selfish world. This person can learn to either accept their mistakes and help others by guiding them, or do what they can commonly do and judge judge judge. this person sees another’s errors as their own and pretend to misunderstand (judge) for reasons I have concluded to: Not wanting to look weak, because they have made those same mistakes a million times, or really just not even realizing what and who they are. This type of person will also take advantage of those who are less tainted with trickery. They will manipulate for selfish reasons. They will lie, cheat, steal and blame everyone for their problems.

It’s hard to find a balance. But it’s worth it to not let the corruption of this world let you turn into someone no one wants to be.

And having extreme experiences that some people could look down upon doesn’t mean you have to succomb to the actions that are the norm of those experiences.

Live and learn and rise above it all!!

K I’m done.